Last night, the Critter was helping me plan a party for my upcoming birthday. Me: What should we do for my birthday? Critter: You should have a bouncy castle! Me: Hmm. I was thinking more along the lines of going to a good restaurant. Critter: With a bouncy castle! Me: What about a cake? Critter: Yeah. And a bouncy castle! Me: Are you going to get me a present? Critter: No. Mommy's going to get you a bouncy castle! Me: I'm sensing a pattern. Don't you think I'm a little big to jump on a bouncy castle? Critter: Yeah. You're too big. I'll jump on it. You can watch me. Me: Sounds like a good birthday party to me. Where would I be without you? Critter: Yeah! Bouncy castle!

Oddly enough, on the same week I was having a conversation about how much I hate modern art, and am not a huge fan of impressionism, the Fruit of My Loins decides to emulate Picasso.

	She's reached that age that the child development experts tell us she's developing the motor acuity and visual acumen to the point that she can draw actual things. Things that resemble something besides random scribbles or dots. Things like 'Daddy'. That's right. That beautiful work of art you see is me. See, that's my hat on top, and my eyes are plainly obvious. Those little circles next to my hat? Those are my ears. I know because I asked. Why am I frowning? 'Because you need to go the store and buy Diet Coke.' Damn, my daughter knows me really well.
	Me: And who's that one? Critter: That's Auntie Me: Really? What's that line up there at the top? Critter: That's her hair. Notice that she's got bigger ears than me, but no hat. She's also quite short, which is very true to life. I'm telling you this kid's a genius.
	Me: Who's that with Auntie? Critter: Mommy! Me: The similarity is astonishing. I don't know why I didn't see it immediately. But why is Mommy turned around like that? Critter: Auntie's lying down. She's tired. Me: A bad hair day will do that to you.
	Me: Can you draw a picture of yourself? Critter: OK - there. Me: Oh, that's very pretty. But why is your mouth sliding off your face like that? Critter: I drew my inspiration from Salvador Dali, I call it La Persistence de la Critter. It symbolizes my disappointment with the cognitive develpment aids you and Mommy have provided. Any fool could see that. Now get me some more juice in this here sippy-cup, if you please. No more 'Sesame Street goes to the Met' for that kid.

Today my bride and I were sitting on the bench at the playground while the Critter played on the slide and such. I was reading my book, and petting the neigbor's dog. He's a friendly thing, but for some reason, we had been calling him 'her' until today. 'She' rolled over and I said 'Whoops. This one's a boy.' The Critter has recently been classifying everything as 'boy' or 'girl.' Having just turned 3 a month ago, she's pretty sure the distinction has something to do with who likes the color pink more and who gets to wear the pretty dresses. (Which is why she's confused as hell when I wear a kilt). She perked up when I said this and said 'Why is he a boy, Daddy?' Ok, I thought, she's 3 now. The books say I'm supposed to speak plainly about the facts here. 'Because he's got a penis.' The critter paused for a moment to take this in. At this point, my bride looked up at me like 'are you sure you know what you're doing?' Critter: 'Why does he have a penis, Dad?' My bride - supporting wife that she is - was now on the ground laughing at me. Screw the books. My 3 year old just said penis. I am so not ready for this conversation. 'You're grounded. Go back in the house. We will finish this conversation later. Like when you're 30.'