"Dear Heavenly Father - We know You have a master plan and everything, and that You're probably busy blessing the meek and stuff. But just in case You haven't noticed lately, it's costing more and more to fill up the tank of the church Hummer. I realize that we're paying far less than pretty much the rest of the world, but You told the 700 Club that us Americans are Your chosen people. So we were wondering if You couldn't see fit to finagle that plan of Yours, and get those heathens in the Middle East to make a few more barrels and lower the price of gasoline. At least in the Red states. Big hugs, Your local fundamentalist wackos."

SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - Believing they had a botched burglary on their hands, police in Hayward, California, called to a house instead found a naked man wedged in its chimney, a police officer said Monday. The 23-year-old man came home early Saturday morning and, finding himself locked out and without his keys, tried to enter the single-story house through its chimney. "He told us he took off his clothes because as he was going down the chimney the clothes would rub up against it and slow him down," Branson said. "If it was skin on cement he felt he would go down easier." Officers booked Urbano for being under the influence of drugs, he added.